The Crux

 

As I near retirement, I've been thinking a lot about my place in society. Like a lot of people, I am frustrated and angered by the increasing complexity and relentless commercialization of absolutely everything. Technology is spiraling out of control and is being weaponized by the corporate profit monster as means of selling us yet more subscriptions and crap we don't need. Our very attention has been commodified. We are caught in an elaborate shell game in which we are ultimately the rubes. Knowing this and escaping it, however, are two very different propositions.

The feeling isn't exactly new. I've always felt a little out-of-step with society. As I slowly succumbed to the wage-slave rat-race, there has always been an internal itch that knew there was a better way to live. This feeling isn't unique. Many wrestle with it. And it is this complex dilemma that is explored in depth in the the new novel, Crux, by Gabriel Tallent. Crux is a story about two teenage aspiring rock climbers coming to grips with their dreams and their families and their obligations and reality. Dan is a gifted genius-level scholar while Tamma is a brash, irrepressible force of nature. They are bonded through their linked and dysfunctional families and the transformative art of rock climbing. They dream of something better. Bigger. Purer.

Dan when explaining to his high school counselor why he's considering not going to college, says:

“It means opting out of the valorized status economy. Live in a vehicle. Sleep in the wilderness. Work, but only save up enough money to keep climbing. Own little, buy less, and see wild, beautiful places while there are wild beautiful places left. I love climbing. It's the only thing that's kept me alive these last few years. That and this friendship that I have. My mom is not a stable person and sometimes I think that I may not be stable, either. All my life people have called me gifted and sometimes I wonder if really what I have is anxiety and depression, if my giftedness isn't really a terror, which I carry around, all the time, and which spurs me to perform at a high level. Terror that the world is fundamentally insecure. That the bottom could drop out of it, at any time. That if I am not brilliant and high performing, my parents will stop loving me. But, also, terror at myself, at who I may become. So maybe my giftedness is not going to translate to a great life... Maybe the ordinary thing, the college and a career thing, it's not gonna work for me. So maybe I need to turn back and face it. The terror, I mean. When I look around, it's everybody living these purposeless lives they don't understand, lives they don't enjoy, forced from one thing to the next, working jobs they hate for a life in which they find no meaning, and it looks like there's nothing else, no hope or beauty anywhere, in anyone's lives, no one knows where to find it, no one knows where it went, or why its gone, everywhere you turn there's no hope, no chance, no way forward, no one I ever met sees any point in it, no one thinks anything is possible, and at the same time, they can't stop grinding for money, and I don't want that for myself, I don't want to go to school and have people tell me what things mean so I will be content and effective working whatever job comes after. I am suspicious of the well-accepted answers. I want to go out there in the desert and see for myself. I want to stay up nights in the back of the truck reading... And when I look at who's going to college, I mostly see kids that want to get a degree and be credentialed to get jobs and have things and security. I don't want that; I want to go out onto the White Rim with my friend and climb sandstone towers at the peril of our lives, swim in the Colorado River, wander slot canyons, and search out Anasazi ruins hidden in hanging valleys. It is one of the last places, maybe the very last place, where you can still dirtbag in America the way the old-school climbers did. You can sleep in canyons and washes at night with other climbers, all with campfire, beer and weed, frying up tacos beneath cottonwood trees while people play guitar and read poetry. There are risk-takers, misfits, and weirdos out there. People searching for meaning, measuring their lives not by how insulated they are from the vicissitudes of fortune, but by their incandescent proximity to the real. And my buddy and I, we would do something great, something extraordinary, we could forge a life glorious and risky, honorable even: Full of beauty, every moment, no matter how scary, how painful, how difficult, full, at least, of the gorgeousness of real places and real people, totally unlike the skid mark I see stretched out before me—if we get this chance I think we could go to the very ends of the earth and stare off the side and come back with a story to tell. My buddy, she believes that such a story might change this nation for the better, at least a little bit, and I'm not at all sure that she's wrong.”

Wow. If only I'd been that self-aware and literate at that age. Still, even he cannot break the bounds of expectation. In the end he does what everybody wants him to do:

“I wanted to go with you,” Dan said, “but I couldn't face it it. There's something wrong with me. I'm scared all the time and I'm scared of all the good things.”

His story touched home for me. I wasn't a teenager, but I was very young when I was hanging out with Mark and Joel, spending hours climbing around on little bouldering problems and debating the meaning of life, what our future should look like and just enjoying the outdoors and friendship. At the time, I was working full time in the grocery store, but I was also playing in a band, writing novels and had just secured a literary agent. The future looked limitless.

Alas, the bonds of gravity and society are strong. I never did breakthrough. We never climbed anything of note and I never sold a novel. Slowly, ever so slowly, that menial job, that at one time was going to be just a colorful footnote in my biography, became my life. Mostly I hated it. The long physical hours, the erratic schedules, , the soul-crushing weekends and holidays, the emotional demands of dealing with the public on a daily basis. I know it wasn't the ideal life. But, you know what? The truth is there a damn few “good” jobs in a rural area (and living in a city was nonnegotiable). And the easy path isn't easy. I worked my ass off. And I paid my bills. For someone like me there was no safety net, so there was no alternative. I made a home, I raised a family. I had fun when I could. I had many mini adventures. Though I have a few regrets, mostly I feel I did the best I could.

Now as I near retirement, I feel like that kid at the base of the boulder. The future, though possibly short, is wide open. I will soon be free and, this time, I'm hoping I will make the most of it.

Memos from the Mountains

 

It had been a long time since I headed into the mountains, too long, and though I am a desert rat at heart, the mountains are an important and much needed yin to the desert's yang... It's only six hours to Durango. With a good start you can be there by noon... Forgot how much I yawn at altitude... I forgot how changeable and volatile the weather is. Sunshine and blue skies one minute, thunder lightning and hail the next. The mountains create their own weather like a mad abstract painter...The trout rise in the evening when the lake is glass, but trying to anticipate that, trying to find a logical pattern in the weather, was impossible. Even the wind doesn't know which direction to come from...

The fish. Let's just say it will be a long time before I'm happy catching 10 inch stockers out of Arizona ponds again... The water. Wow. It flows, falls, rushes roars out of the mountains with infinite exuberance. It pours forth, giving itself away with selfless abandon. Sitting by a desert stream is relaxing. Standing by a raging mountain cascade is exhilarating... 

I did that Vallecito Creek hike years ago. But I remember so little of it. Walking up the first three miles, I could not believe how utterly spectacular it was. How do you forget something like that? High on a granite ledge above the raging gorge, we turned a corner and below us was a beautiful waterfall framed above by a snow-capped pyramid peak. It was so beautiful that I just started laughing out of pure joy...

Can't remember the last time I laughed out of pure joy... Waking up in the night cold, shivering. Pulling the mummy bag up over my head and face to warm up... The pine pollen coating everything in a fine yellow dust...long conversations around a campfire. It's almost impossible to be anything but content and relaxed around a campfire in the wilderness...

Probably one of the great camping sites of my life. For once, I was perfectly content to just sit in my camp chair and enjoy the view...

Scenes from a Desert Road Trip

 

Treasure Hunting

 

“Yet it isn't the gold that I'm wanting/ So much as just finding the gold”--Robert Service

A few months ago, Debi had a yard sale and, while we got rid of precious little junk, we did get to meet a lot of our neighbors. One of them was a young man who had just moved into his father's house diagonally across the street from us. Immediately he was taken by the amount of rocks scattered all over our yard. It turns out he was a serious rock hound and, after asking to walk around the yard, started asking silly questions like “Where did you find this one?” Our answer was invariably a shrug and the reply, “In the desert somewhere.” He found this lackadaisical attitude towards prospecting maddening.

But it did start off a relationship and he has visited us several times since to talk about our explorations. We have compared notes about what we know about the local area and it soon became apparent that there was one major mystery in the area. We had all heard of Camp Verde blue agate but no one had ever found any or even knew where to find it. Our neighbor said the only reference he could find was the phrase, “in a wash east of Squaw Peak”—a very large area to be to sure. Invariably, our visits would end in the promise we'd go out and look for it some day.

A couple weeks ago, some day arrived and we made arrangements to go out for the day. But first a little research was necessary. Snooping around the forums and reddits, I found multiple mentions of rock hounding in the Camp Verde area. They were all maddeningly vague—even to what they were finding. Rock hounds are cagey when it comes to their “spots”--even going so far as to deliberately mislead and leave red herrings. For good reason. Especially on the internet. How many times have I witnessed a favorite scenic outdoor place overrun and destroyed by YouTube/Twitter/Facebook fame? Who wants their favorite rock area picked clean?

But still there were clues. In the Camp Verde mentions, there seemed to be three predominant geographical references: Brown Springs, Rodeo Flats and the Squaw Peak mine. All three areas are located are located off the same forest service road east of Camp Verde—though all are miles apart. The next clue was a YouTube video of rock hounders finding all sort of groovy blue gate pieces. There as absolutely no mention of the location except for the “Camp Verde area.” For most of the video the camera is pointed directly at the ground so there was little or no geographical landmarks visible. Still, watching it with the neighbor and stopping it quite often—we found one brief glimpse of the background scenery. There we were able to freeze the frame and take a screen shot for reference in the field.

After poring over a topographical map of the area and identifying some likely jeep roads and interesting areas, we were off. It was a beautiful Arizona winter day. Not a cloud in the sky and temps in the 60s. After the gray short days of December and January, it felt great to be headed outside and on an adventure. It had been a long time since I had been out that way. Some of the area I remembered fairly well and others not so much. The drive itself was fun—with the “crew” telling stories of other expeditions and adventures. Finally the road crossed a flat, cow-covered plain which we all agreed had to be Rodeo Flats. Here we found a nasty, overgrown two track that headed up towards the mountains. I felt this was the most likely trail—and since I was driving—we “agreed” this was the best route.

Admittedly, it didn't look promising. The terrain was nothing but gnarly black basalt and catclaw that a huge herd of cattle was grazing down to nothing. The only shiny things on the ground were the fresh glistening cow pies. Still, we had a ways to go to get up into the mountains. It had been a while since we'd been out doing some serious off-roading. I've never really understood the folk that do this strictly for fun. The slow crawl over giant rocks, the bouncing and lurching, and the often treacherous drop offs are a challenge, but I wouldn't exactly call it fun. Usually, I am impatient to get to where I'm going, but on this day, I kind of enjoyed the drive. It was good to know that, where outdoor adventure was concerned, I hadn't lost my nerve.

“Do you have any idea where you're going?” Debi asked.

“Of course not.”

A little later the road narrowed and the drop-offs got higher.

“You're going to get all all killed.”

“She always says that,” I told our passenger.

The road got even rougher.

“I hate this. I'm never going out with you again.”

“She always says that, too.”

I think our neighbor was pretty impressed. Or was wondering what the hell he had gotten into...

As we gained altitude, the views started to look more like the picture we took. Still the rock did not look promising-- still that gray, nasty basalt-- although ridges of it began to emerge from the mountain instead of just the scatted boulders. We came over a pass and alongside the road was a stake signifying a mining claim. Aha! Another clue. We must be close! We drove on past the claim a suitable distance and I found a spot big enough to park the truck. We all tumbled out and, after establishing that we were very, very close to where the video was shot, scattered in different directions.

At first there didn't seem to be much. Some glimmers of quartz here and there but nothing unusual. I took the dog and hiked up the road. It was a lovely day and if we didn't find anything at least I'd get a little exercise. The trail climbed pretty hard and finally dead-ended in a small canyon. I hadn't found anything. On the way back I reasoned that I obviously wasn't going to find anything by staying on the road, so I cut off and climbed a nearby hill. Right away I started finding all sorts of interesting rocks. Grape bubble rock, quartz clusters, and even a few thin layers of, yes, blue agate.

In the end, we all had discovered or own little pockets of treasure and when we met back at the truck we had fun comparing our discoveries. After much ooh and aahing, we piled the rocks in a bucket and stowed them in the truck for the drive home. Of course, the rocks themselves have no monetary value. And we have no idea what to do with them (they will undoubtedly be dumped in the desert yard with countless other remnants of rock hounding adventures), but I think we all knew it wasn't the treasure so much as the challenging game of finding the treasure that was the real prize. Everybody needs adventure and some sort of treasure hunting in their lives whether it's finding Indian ruins, rock hounding, gold prospecting, thrift store browsing, used book store exploring, eBay surfing, mushroom hunting or whatever.

What's yours?

A Drive to Pierce Ferry

 

When I was a kid, one of our family traditions was that of the “Sunday Drive.” Probably once a month in good weather, Mom and Dad would get in the car, stop at a store for a six-pack of beer, a couple of sodas and some snack food and head out. Sometimes the object was to “visit” someone. Sometimes it was just to visit the lake shore. In either case, random back roads were engaged as it it gave an opportunity to slow down and, well, enjoy the beer. Even from a young age I really enjoyed the drives and I continued to participate well into high school when most teens could no longer tolerate their parents. I just enjoyed seeing new things, taking the road less traveled and exploring even in that modest manner. To this day, I still love a good road trip. I am perfectly entertained by just looking out the window and watching the scenery roll by.

A few weeks ago, my wife and I took three days to go to Laughlin, Nevada and visit our son. Laughlin's kind of a unique place. A casino town on the banks of the Colorado River, it has been called the senior citizen Las Vegas or the Redneck Strip. For us, it is a convenient staging area. The hotel rooms are dirt cheap, there are multiple dining options and dive bars within walking distance along a scenic river walk and the place is surrounded by glorious desert and the great river itself. Last time we were there, we explored an old gold mining camp in Eldorado Canyon way out on the remote reaches of Mojave Lake. This time I wanted to go somewhere else I'd never been—Pierce Ferry, considered the end of the Grand Canyon.

Fueled by casino coffee and Cinnabons, we drove out of the river valley through the sharp-toothed peaks and the middle-finger rock that guard the river. Back through Golden Valley--one of those recently common sprawls of housing in the middle of nothing; its existence relying solely on cheap land prices. And back to Hwy 93-- AKA “the Racetrack” from Kingman to Las Vegas. Halfway to Las Vegas, though, we made a right turn at Dolan Springs and into another world.

Dolan Springs was like something not of this country. A ramshackle, almost third world collection of shacks, shanties and haphazard businesses that were built randomly among some of the largest Joshua trees, I've ever seen. Cows wandered through the middle of the “business district.” As we drove down the narrow two lane blacktop through the scenic Joshua tree forest, we were surprised to see so many houses seemingly in the middle of nowhere. Where did these people work? Las Vegas? Were they all snowbird retirees? Doomsday preppers? We passed many water tankers and noticed many of the dwellings had water tanks attached so apparently there was little or no ground water. Where was the water being shipped in from? How much did it cost? So many mysteries there.

We passed to the turnoff to Grand Canyon West—a newly developed resort on Hualapai land. You may have seen pictures of the Skywalk—the Plexiglas balcony hung over the edge of the Grand Canyon. For the lovely price of $66 per person you can walk over the Grand Canyon. No thank you. I have no quarrel with the Indians monetizing their land. I just have no need to subsidize it myself. Now we had the road all to ourselves, passing only one truck loaded down with Grand Canyon rafts headed back up the hill. Here, the Joshua trees became really thick. One of the thickest stands of endangered plant anywhere in the world. They really are amazing things to see. So unique and almost comical. It is hard to stand next to them and not smile. My wife spent most of the trip trying to figure out how she could grow one in our yard. Answer: not likely. Joshua trees need a very specific climate and conditions to grow—a fact that makes them rare and acutely susceptible to climate change. One study estimates that 90 percent of the Joshua tree population will be gone by the end of the century.

We passed through one more unlikely community in the middle of nowhere called Meadview. A small side town dominated by the strange sight of a church in the middle of the desert---looking like something out of New England. A scenic pullout gave us a brief view of upper Lake Mead. Yes, there was still water in it. From there the road twisted down, down, down eventually turning into gravel. Now we were all alone and slowly drove through a rich agave/cholla/barrel cactus desert full of arroyos and dry sandy washes. My kind of country. Down and down we drove. Ahead we could see the mud banks of another arroyo and rounding a corner saw that a river, seemingly appearing out of nowhere like magic, flowed before us. End of the road.

“Are you kidding me? This is the mighty Colorado?” Debi asked aloud.

Indeed in this huge landscape of emptiness, the river did appear modest. On closer inspection, however, it was a quiet force. Exhausted from his tumultuous tumble through the Grand Canyon, the river here sighed and relaxed. Still, there was a quiet power to it, the current deceptively quick and strong. As we walked along the sandy banks, it was hard not to both feel relaxed and energized at the same time. There are a few special places like that in the world, in nature. Places that contain an intrinsic energy, a spirit, a soul. They may be different for every person, but rivers—especially desert rivers—have always been that kind of place for me. I can understand why people drop out, become “river rats” and devote their lives to the place. It's hard to be stressed out standing next to a river. It's hard to be unhappy.

All too soon it was time to get back in the car and retrace our drive. Still, the spirit of the place would linger in me for quite some time. That was a drive worth taking.

Beware the Bucket List

 

I've always liked cycling. At least I thought I did. I mean, I've always owned a bike. And I rode sporadically all my life. In later years this has meant a mostly mellow cruise down a forest service road alone on my mountain bike. Though I've always considered myself a hiker first, a quick hour ride on the bike was a good way throughout the years to get a fast effective workout along with some sunshine and fresh air.

And I've always really enjoyed my rides. I've always returned feeling rejuvenated. More than once, I found myself thinking, “If something makes you feel this good, you should probably do more of it.” In the back of my mind, I always thought I could have been a pretty good cyclist if I took it seriously and have even daydreamed about someday, somewhere doing on of those multi-day bicycle tours perhaps through the wine country in Napa Valley, or a rail trail across Idaho, or even the annual Ride Across Iowa.

Like a lot of things, it was a nice daydream. Something to put on one's “bucket list” with no real plan or urgency. Some day. Maybe. It'd be fun, wouldn't it?

Then the pandemic hit. Work became my entire life for a while. Not only was it exhausting, mentally and physically, but it drained something out of me. I realized quite suddenly that I did not like my job. I mean everybody says that, right? But for me, I realized it went deeper than that. I really didn't like my job. I was completely living for the sporadic day off. Furthermore, I decided I was living a spiritually poor life.

Now in the movies, when the hero comes to this profound realization, he does something dramatic. He quits his job. He goes on a quest. He joins the Peace Corps. He starts a soup kitchen.

I bought a bicycle.

I'd been looking for a while causally out of curiosity. I kind of knew what bike I wanted. Something that could handle both roads and dirt. Gravel bikes they were being called. And suddenly they were a very hot segment of the cycling industry. Of course being the new darling on the block, they were all rather pricey and, during the pandemic, forget about buying anything used. Bicycles, kayaks, backpacks, tents-- everybody suddenly wanted them. I had been toying with the idea of buying a cheap old steel-framed ten speed and converting it to a gravel bike, but, due to my limited mechanical skills, it'd have to be the right bike. I was surfing Craig's List one day, marveling yet again how people could spend car money on bicycles, when the perfect bike fell into my lap. It was a 6-year-old cyclocross bike, hardly ridden, in my size, with disc brakes for under $500 dollars. And it was in Flagstaff. To make a long story short, I dropped everything and drove to Flag..

It's hard to describe how excited I was. I was giddy. Suddenly all these doors seemed to be open. Yes, I could ride across Iowa. Yes, I could ride cross country. Yes, I could join a club. In fact, somewhat serendipitously, the day after I picked up the bike, a Facebook post hit my news feed. They were accepting registration for the Chino Grinder—a 60 mile gravel race not far from my house. And, get this, it was the day before my 60^th birthday. It seemed perfect. It's give me all summer to train and then I could ride 60 miles on my 60^th birthday. I signed up without giving it any other consideration.

And then I started riding. Soon, very soon, like the first mile, reality booted me in the butt.

Riding was hard. Hills were hard. Riding long distances hurt. Wind sucks. Those were all the obvious things. But I also discovered there was a real learning curve from transitioning from causal mountain biking to gravel riding. Skinny tires just felt unsafe and rough terrain seemed to throw this new bike for a loop. My first few rides found me in deep trouble. I was blowing tires left and right. One day I went through all my spares out in the middle of nowhere and had to call my brother to rescue me. I was riding alone and learning by trial and error. Or maybe that was trail and error.

Slowly I started to learn the bike. And I was also beginning to learn how much harder gravel riding was than road. 6O miles is a decent but doable distance on a paved road. On gravel, on the mountain grades this race was going to be run on, it would be hell. Some of the riders, I was learning were insanely fit—like ultra-marathon fit. There would be pro teams at this race. Unwittingly, I'd signed up for one of the hardest events in the state. Not one to back down from a challenge or admit that I was wrong, however, I vowed to just train harder. Shame and embarrassment were things I was used to anyway.

About the same time I was seeing a glimmer of hope, I cut the end of my finger off at work. I won't dwell on the whole subject except to say that it set my training back and highlighted, in a major way, my main obstacle in getting fit. Work. Being a 59-year-old man and working a physical, fast-paced, stressful job 40-48 hours a week was bad enough. Add some hard, physical athletic training on top of that and the result was not always pretty. I vowed to ride every single day off—but sometimes I would work 10-11 day stretches in a row. There were days when I got on that bike and wanted to cry. I went to bed with Charley-horses. And Charley-cows. I developed a strange twitch in my thigh.

I joined a bike club. I'd seen these geezers rolling around town, so one day when I felt particularly low energy, I showed up to ride with them. A bunch of 70-year-olds. It'd be like a rest day. Well, I found out there's a term for old cyclists—GODS. Gnarly Old Dudes. These guys are retired and ride every day rain or shine. They proceeded to kick my ass all over the town. As I struggled to keep up with them, I felt completely overwhelmed again and wondered, not for the first time, what the hell I was doing. How had I managed to sign up for a long distance endurance race when I couldn't even keep up with the local townies? For their part, they were very encouraging. They ignored my cheap bike, my non-cycling clothes and told me, “You really hung in there.”

I was hanging in there. But it was a struggle. Summer came on hot and strong. With temps in the 100s on a daily basis, rides had to be at the crack of dawn or required a drive to Flagstaff. The forest was completely shut down and off limit for weeks. So it was only highway rides for a while. But for every grim, I-don't-want-to-be-here ride, there were breakthrough rides. I rode the fifty mile Lake Mary Loop in Flagstaff. It was something I'd seen other cyclists do, had heard about it for years, always wistfully thought about doing it one day, and now, suddenly, I was doing it. And it wasn't horribly difficult. When the forest opened up, I did another long loop through the forest near Flagstaff; up through Fry Park to Woody Mountain Road past Roger's Lake, back to Flagstaff and down 89-A to my truck. It was a wondrous morning riding through forest and mountain all alone in the woods...

I was getting better. But the improvement was slow and hard won. The facts were, I just couldn't do it with just a sporadic day off. August rolled along, seven weeks to the race and I knew I had to up my game. I set up a trainer in my office, hung my mountain bike from it and started wailing away on it after work. I set it up in front of the TV in my office and turned on some YouTube videos of biking Switzerland, Spain and Italy. Indoors with no AC (that's a whole other blog), I was soon dripping sweat everywhere and getting Charley-horses in places I never knew existed. It was a new form of hell, but, as it turned out, it was the missing piece. Almost immediately I began to see results. Less than two weeks after I started my new regimen, I shattered my personal best on my training run to Sedona. I averaged almost 16 mph on my cheap gravel bike on the pavement.

Damn if I wasn't getting fit. But I was also feeling guilty. The monsoon rains came and with it a flood of yard work. Mowing, weed-whacking, and weeding. The rain gutters I'd put up slap-dash were a disaster. There were all kinds of home improvement projects that I'd either ignored, postponed or butchered. My brother needed some help but I mostly ignored him for the summer. I'd gone six months without doing a damn thing around the house. My wife was supportive and showing a lot patience with my new found obsession but... There is a real dark side to personal goals and self-improvement that bloggers and social media influencers aren't going to tell you about. Fact is: bucket list goals are often very self-centered and there is a very real price to pay for that.

Still, I kept at it. Thus far I had done a good job of pacing myself. I was slowly ramping my rides up but hadn't bitten off anything I couldn't chew. As the date of race approached, however, I found myself burning out. I was working a lot and was, frankly, getting sick of the bike. I decided I would spend the week before the race off the bike. My plan was to take a little backpack the weekend before, relax and enjoy nature, and spend the rest of the week resting. That was the plan. The hike to West Clear Creek's Maiden Falls, however, turned out to be a real ass-kicker. I assumed that the year spent cycling would leave me in awesome hiking shape. Turns out they use very different muscles. The hike was grueling-- up and down, swimming, boulder-hopping, tree-crawling. When I returned from the hike I was so sore I could hardly move the next day. Or the next day. The third and fourth day were somewhat better, but certain movements of my legs still caused bolts of pain.

Today, I am sitting at my desk finishing this story. Earlier this morning I went for a short ride and... it wasn't pleasant. As I sit here slathered in Icy-Hot painkiller balm, I am wondering if I just blew six months of training on a bad decision or will everything feel better tomorrow? Doesn't matter I guess. Tomorrow is the race and I am going to give it my best—whatever that means at this point. No matter how it turns out, I have learned some important lessons.

Beware of what you wish for. Beware of the god-damn bucket list.

Paria Canyon: A Visual Poem

 

I awake in the night and utter a small grunt of discomfort. The echo booms in a dark amphitheater of incredible silence. Strange. I open my eyes and, through the screen of my tent, I see the full moon has set the looming canyon walls alight. Oh, right. Stiffly, clumsily, noisily, I rustle out of my bag, unzip the tent and stand naked in the darkness. Layer after layer of rock face jut around me, some bathed in moonlight, some caped in shadow, like some mad MC Escher sketch come to 3D life. The silence thrums in my ears. Damn. A year shy of sixty and still doing this.

A crack in the Earth. What started as a simple sandy wash turns into a fissure. Deeper and deeper into the rock it twists. Contours of smooth, glistening stone looks not unlike folds of flesh and the entrance feels sexual, forbidden, arousing. But this is primordial love. Cool, dark, hard. The stone looks smooth but is rough as sandpaper. The way is choked with hazards. Choke stones, jammed logs, rockfall, pour offs, quicksand, mud. This is love made real. This is passion to last a thousand lifetimes.

A canyon walk is a simple walk in that there are not a lot of decisions to be made. Like the water, I am just flowing downhill, taking the path of least resistance, clamoring over rocks, ducking around boulders, wading through streams. And if there is a pool of vile, disgusting, sewer slime mud before you, you anoint yourself. And everything you carry. Don't think. Just move. You'll get there. You are there. Meditation in motion.

The colors. They set your eyes on fire. In 1992 I bought a new Jeep Wrangler. The color was marketed as “Canyon Blue.” Most people didn't get it. How can a canyon be blue? But have you ever seen the clear, blue sky from the bottom of a dry, desert canyon? It is a special blue. A blue that will stop you in your tracks. A blue that can make you cry. Contrasted with the rusts and reds and desert varnishes of the rock, it makes you appreciate the artistry of nature. Around every other corner the sunlight catches the leaves of a cottonwood just right and against that background, your eyes explode. I take a thousands pictures. But none of them quite suit. “I think God make most of the world for man,” my hiking companion muses during a snack break, “Farmlands and valleys and harbors and coasts. But some places, I think, He made just for himself. Just for fun.”

Little bluish birds hop down the canyon in front of us. They wait for us to catch up then fly away a few yards ahead. I can't decide if they are somehow picking up tiny insects disturbed by the vibrations of our approaching feet, or acting as our guides. The more I ponder them, the more I'm convinced they are greeting us. Trying to communicate. Come along ! Hurry! See this! You'll be amazed!

No one who hasn't hiked extensively in the desert knows the pure magic of a fresh spring. Tucked in a rock crevice or dripping from a clump of moss, the water tastes better than anything ever. The coldest beer, the finest wine, a chocolate shake never tasted so good. I've often thought that the hardships of hike were worth it just to taste spring water straight from the rock.

Memory falters. I've done this hike before. But nothing is the same. I am not the same. We hike for miles looking for a landmark I remembered from years ago. We walk and walk. Setting a goal only to realize, at the end of the day, we have far surpassed it. The rhythm of moving forward, of passing quietly through beauty is additive. And comforting. It's healing something in our souls.

Wading down the stream. a movement ahead catches my attention. I stop and peer ahead. Suddenly a band of Bighorn sheep explode out of the creek bed where they were drinking and in a few short bounds are standing on a rock face above us. They stop and peer back at us. The expression is clear. Indignation. Annoyance. We apologize and move on. Later, in the shade of a cottonwood, a coatamundi climbs down out of the tree and, in no hurry, starts walking down the trail. He stops, turns briefly and withers me with a look. It's the same expression the bighorn had. I get it. I'm a visitor. I don't belong here. But I should. I want to.

The human mind has a hard time with silence. The modern mind--conditioned with constant buzz and distraction-- even more so. In the quiet of the canyon, snippets of songs fall into the void. And grow. And grow into monsters. The same song line over and over builds from a simple mantra to a sonic obsession. Lying awake for hours in the sleeping bag, the music screams its objections to the Void. When I wake up in the morning, love/And the sunlight hurts my eyes/And something without warning, love/Bears heavy on my mind.../ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day/Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day/A lovely day/Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day/Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day...

Slowly deadened senses come alive. The flap of a raven overheard is as loud as a jet. The buzz of bees in the dusty scented tamerisk. In the quiet evenings, not only can you actually hear the click of a bat's sonar but you tell by the frequency whether it's actively hunting or just passing by. The feel of the lunch boulder beneath your butt. The sandstone walls along your fingertips. The taste, the actual taste of water. Walking through thickets of sage. The rustle of movement—there. And there... A collared lizard bathing in the sun. This is what it means to be alive. Really alive. In the moment. Aware of details. Mind relaxed and senses frolicking with joy. Even as I realize this, I know it is all temporary. Soon I will be back in the modern world and this feeling will fade. The memory of the feeling will fade. And all that will be left is a vague longing, an ache to get back here. Somehow. Someplace.